Everything has been such a rollercoaster lately.
Mostly emotionally.
Home:
Neurosurgeon appointment was yesterday. The scan from Tuesday showed two more tumors in Dad's brain. Obviously that was a shock to us. Not like the original tumor shock, nothing will ever compare to that, but still not a good feeling in the bottom of your stomach.
Even with this setback, the neurosurgeon had some ideas for treatment and we have an appointment with the Radio-Oncologist on the 23rd. The first course of treatment is basically direct radiation to the head spots.
This round of chemo is really kicking dad's ass. He was super nauseous the first couple days, thankfully he never actually got sick. He doesn't eat much, and mostly just watches tv or sits on the computer or sleeps. I'm hoping this next week will finally get him back to semi-normal.
Mom and Dad are taking a cruise in the beginning of October. I think this will be a good opportunity for them to get closer. It's for their anniversary so I'm hoping they'll reconcile the things they've been fighting about lately.
Dad likes to yell, and mom is sad all the time anyway from dad being so sick. It's just one of those situations you never really know what to do with. Mom cries a lot, dad is angry a lot, and I'm just... passive. I don't really care anymore. I'm beyond letting things get to me.
But I will say, I'm really excited for the week to myself while they're gone <3
Work:
Stress. That's about the only thing work has been causing me lately. I really need my job to be someplace I can go to get everything that's going on at home off my mind, not something that adds to my stress. When I get home from work I'm usually in such a bad mood that it just makes my attitude yucky and I get yelled at by my parents for getting an attitude. Basically, I do enough to get yelled at about without my work making it worse for me.
I'm in the process of trying to find a new/second job. Hopefully I can pick up more hours elsewhere. I like most of the people I work with at Ross but I just need a change of environment and a change of scenery. Fingers crossed that I will have an interview soon.
Friends:
I get frustrated very easily with my friends. Mostly cause I have so much frustration at home and at work and then when my friends come to me to complain I just want to blow up on them because their problems seem so trivial in comparison to what's going on with me.
And when my friends start to drift away from me and get closer to each other I get jealous. It's like this mixed up circle of me not knowing what the hell is going on and I really don't like it.
I love my friends, they've been amazing through this whole thing, but that week in Canada without contact was awesome. I loved being able to relax with my family and not deal with the stress of carrying the weight of other people's problems. It really sucks when my friends are fighting with each other and then I get stuck in the middle of it. Two of my friends from high school that have been best friends foreverrrr are drifting apart, and only one of them feels the drifting. It's really just... upsetting I guess to know how quickly things can change. I know how it goes though cause I lost two of my best friends basically.
And I know that when you read this, you're gonna think it's about you, and I promise it's not. The people who this section is about don't even read my blog.
Love:
This one is probably most of the reason for the emotional roller coaster. Attractive boys tend to make my heart jump, but it worse when something happens and you read into it and then end up getting hurt.
I feel like I should get into the details, but I really don't want to again.
Let's just say I read into something that will probably turn out to be absolutely nothing and got really excited and then ended up getting really upset and crying the other night, which was stupid. And then the next day the guy ended up calling me and apologized for not texting me back because he had been crazy sick, and I felt retarded. It wasn't like I had even said anything to him about not responding, he was just nice enough to apologize, which was sweet. And I'm thinking if anything is gonna happen between us, we need to get to know each other better first. I'm sick of getting into things too fast and then getting my heart shattered.
Faith:
My faith is still wavering. I don't understand why God would be doing this to my family. Maybe to make us stronger? Maybe to make us realize how awesome of a life we've had together? I still try to go to church every week, but I know tomorrow I won't feel like it, not after how crazy this week has been. And even when I go to church it's not like I'm super attentive.
I guess I just feel like a part of me has been lost. I used to be super into my faith when I was in high school and ever since I graduated it wasn't the same.
And then last Christmas I just got so angry with God for putting my dad and my family through all of this. My dad is one of those people that does not deserve this at all and I really just don't get it...
I've had a lot on my mind lately...but life goes on, shit happens, whatever will be will be.
"I finally learned to say
Whatever will be will be
I've learned to take
The good, the bad and breathe
'Cause although we like
To know what life's got planned
No one knows if shooting stars will land"
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