Pride.

These guys, gentlemen really, have come so far in the last almost two years that I have liked them.
From starting out in a basement, to touring with one of the biggest bands out there, headlining two tours, releasing a full length album, making a music video... It's been a crazy ride.
I'm so proud of you all, and I will never stop being proud of you.
Honor Society. Peace.Love.Duh.
I love the 4 of you more than you know. Thank you for making a difference in my life.

You're Not Alone

SAVAGE GARDEN

"Crash And Burn"

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Whatever will be will be....

I don't even know where to start this one.
Everything has been such a rollercoaster lately.
Mostly emotionally.

Home:
Neurosurgeon appointment was yesterday. The scan from Tuesday showed two more tumors in Dad's brain. Obviously that was a shock to us. Not like the original tumor shock, nothing will ever compare to that, but still not a good feeling in the bottom of your stomach.
Even with this setback, the neurosurgeon had some ideas for treatment and we have an appointment with the Radio-Oncologist on the 23rd. The first course of treatment is basically direct radiation to the head spots.

This round of chemo is really kicking dad's ass. He was super nauseous the first couple days, thankfully he never actually got sick. He doesn't eat much, and mostly just watches tv or sits on the computer or sleeps. I'm hoping this next week will finally get him back to semi-normal.

Mom and Dad are taking a cruise in the beginning of October. I think this will be a good opportunity for them to get closer. It's for their anniversary so I'm hoping they'll reconcile the things they've been fighting about lately.
Dad likes to yell, and mom is sad all the time anyway from dad being so sick. It's just one of those situations you never really know what to do with. Mom cries a lot, dad is angry a lot, and I'm just... passive. I don't really care anymore. I'm beyond letting things get to me.
But I will say, I'm really excited for the week to myself while they're gone <3

Work:
Stress. That's about the only thing work has been causing me lately. I really need my job to be someplace I can go to get everything that's going on at home off my mind, not something that adds to my stress. When I get home from work I'm usually in such a bad mood that it just makes my attitude yucky and I get yelled at by my parents for getting an attitude. Basically, I do enough to get yelled at about without my work making it worse for me.
I'm in the process of trying to find a new/second job. Hopefully I can pick up more hours elsewhere. I like most of the people I work with at Ross but I just need a change of environment and a change of scenery. Fingers crossed that I will have an interview soon.

Friends:
I get frustrated very easily with my friends. Mostly cause I have so much frustration at home and at work and then when my friends come to me to complain I just want to blow up on them because their problems seem so trivial in comparison to what's going on with me.
And when my friends start to drift away from me and get closer to each other I get jealous. It's like this mixed up circle of me not knowing what the hell is going on and I really don't like it.
I love my friends, they've been amazing through this whole thing, but that week in Canada without contact was awesome. I loved being able to relax with my family and not deal with the stress of carrying the weight of other people's problems. It really sucks when my friends are fighting with each other and then I get stuck in the middle of it. Two of my friends from high school that have been best friends foreverrrr are drifting apart, and only one of them feels the drifting. It's really just... upsetting I guess to know how quickly things can change. I know how it goes though cause I lost two of my best friends basically.
And I know that when you read this, you're gonna think it's about you, and I promise it's not. The people who this section is about don't even read my blog.

Love:
This one is probably most of the reason for the emotional roller coaster. Attractive boys tend to make my heart jump, but it worse when something happens and you read into it and then end up getting hurt.
I feel like I should get into the details, but I really don't want to again.
Let's just say I read into something that will probably turn out to be absolutely nothing and got really excited and then ended up getting really upset and crying the other night, which was stupid. And then the next day the guy ended up calling me and apologized for not texting me back because he had been crazy sick, and I felt retarded. It wasn't like I had even said anything to him about not responding, he was just nice enough to apologize, which was sweet. And I'm thinking if anything is gonna happen between us, we need to get to know each other better first. I'm sick of getting into things too fast and then getting my heart shattered.

Faith:
My faith is still wavering. I don't understand why God would be doing this to my family. Maybe to make us stronger? Maybe to make us realize how awesome of a life we've had together? I still try to go to church every week, but I know tomorrow I won't feel like it, not after how crazy this week has been. And even when I go to church it's not like I'm super attentive.
I guess I just feel like a part of me has been lost. I used to be super into my faith when I was in high school and ever since I graduated it wasn't the same.
And then last Christmas I just got so angry with God for putting my dad and my family through all of this. My dad is one of those people that does not deserve this at all and I really just don't get it...


I've had a lot on my mind lately...but life goes on, shit happens, whatever will be will be.

"I finally learned to say
Whatever will be will be
I've learned to take
The good, the bad and breathe
'Cause although we like
To know what life's got planned
No one knows if shooting stars will land"

Two years ago...

It's hard to beleive that two years ago I was a recent high school graduate and in college for the first time.
Things have changed so much since then.
I miss my friends at school, but I don't miss how I was at school. I like to think I have become a better person since I left school. I've definitely grown up and taken more responsibility in my family.

I have so much to be thankful for in my life... Here are some awesome things that have happened in the last two years....

Good things!!!!
I left school and got to spend more time with my family.
I found a job that I sort of like and will be able to keep while I'm going back to college.
I became better friends with Kelly and met my other best friends on AJF.
I grew closer to my brothers.
I traveled to Florida and Texas with/to see my best friends.
MY NEPHEW WAS BORN.


Awesome things that are upcoming still...
My best friends being together all in the same place <3
Honor Society and Jonas Brother concerts.
Canada Trip with my family.
Buffalo Bills game in Charlotte with my family.
Tattoos with my locket sisters.
We The Kings, Boys Like Girls & Cobra Starship concerts

Ther is so much more that I can't even think of right now, but life is amazing, live it to the fullest!!!
There's a quote that I absolutely love that says 'today will be the best day of my life until tomorrow' and I try to live that.
I'm so thankful for everything God and my family have given me.
Thank you for allowing me to be me, and helping me become who I am.

Aunt Allison

Saturday August 8, 2009 is now the best day of my life to date.
My nephew Austin David Lippert was born at 7:52am. He weighed 9lbs3oz and was 21&1/2 inches long.
I got down to see him on Sunday, the next day, and he is absolutely gorgeous.
I'm going home tomorrow night, and not looking forward to leaving him.
He's a beautiful, healthy boy with a full head of hair, gorgeous eyes, and he smiled at us today.
I can't wait for the years to come.
I love you Austin.

Life as we know it...

Life as we know it... is about to change.
I haven't blogged in a while but I'm starting to make more of an effort to keep up with things in my life.
Like blogging, or discovering new things, spending time with my family, rekindling old friendships, keeping up with my nephew who will be born sometime in the next two weeks, eating healthier, getting back to my faith, and becoming a better person overall...
I started this blog to follow my journey to self discovery and transformation, so that's what it's going to be.

This is what we call chemo brain...

Dad is really starting to lose it. His head is so out of it sometimes.
Just now he woke up from about an hour and a half nap, and he was convinced it was quarter after five the next morning and wanted to know why I was awake.
He then proceeded to go into the kitchen and start making a pot of coffee.
As I finally figured out that he thought it was morning, I tried to convince him it was not and we got into an argument over it.
Eventually I explained it well enough to where he understood he had only been asleep for about two hours and not twelve.

It's really difficult for me to see him like this considering my grandfather had Parkinsons my entire life and some days his mind was super clear and other days he was hallucinating and didn't know where he was.
I understand that the chemo is supposed to be helping the cancer, but if I lose part of my daddy along the way, it's almost like losing him altogether.
And the thought of that kills me...