I Won't Look Back

Love, love isn’t always
Love, the way that we mean
Just like you are right now is all, all that I need

Let’s start over, don’t be afraid cause I won’t keep track
Let’s climb to the top
If you won’t look down, I won’t look back

Love, love isn’t always
Love, the kind that you hold
I will be here waiting if you, you can let go

Let’s start over, don’t be afraid ‘cause I won’t keep track
Let’s climb to the top
If you won’t look down, I won’t look back

Let’s start over, don’t be afraid ‘cause I won’t keep track
Let’s climb to the top
If you won’t look down, I won’t look back

BLG = <3

I want to scream, until no sound comes out and you've learned your lesson
I want to swallow these pills to get to sleep
So I don't have to make a bad impression
I need to start to be myself
Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me
I wanna take back all the shit that I have done
But I guess you were better off without me
I need to start to be myself
Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now, I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now, I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

(I took one big step and I looked away, and I thought of all the things that I wanted to say)
I won't let you bring me down
(I'm always too late, you never got your story straight, I'm always up late, I think I'm everything you hate)
It's here and now I'm breaking out
(I took one big step and I looked away, and I thought of all the things that I wanted to say)
I will learn to love again
(I'm always too late, you never got your story straight)
But I will stand a broken man

Most days I don't understand...

I really I hate that I come home and my mom yells at my like I am a 5 year old about how I don't do anything and I need to clean my house.
WHAT DOES SHE DO ALL DAY. Honestly. I REALLY wonder.
I would love to stay home all day and pretend to be useful while she goes out and does shit at my job.
I already put up with enough crap at my job that I don't need to come home and get bitched out too.
She really frustrates me.
Like she legit sits on the computer for hours and plays games, but then she tells me that I'm addicted to the computer and how I need to do other stuff.

I'm already losing my father, I don't need to have failing relationships with the rest of my family too.
At some points I feel like my dad is the only thing holding us all together still. Like it's like if he wasn't so sick, we'd all be split up.
This causes so much tension and we all get angry over stupid shit. And we yell and get fed up so fast.
This is doing NOTHING to help my temper. It's making it worse and I want it all to STOP.
JESUS CHRIST I WANT IT TO STOP. I want to go back to December. I want it to go away. I want my life back...
And if I could, I would take everything that's happening to him, and make it happen to me instead. I ask Jesus all the time why he's punishing my dad for my mistakes in life. My father does not deserve any of this. If anyone deserves this torture, it's me. Not daddy. Just... someone make this end. I can't stand it much longer.
I almost want him to die just so the suffering ends. I really won't blame you if you give up daddy. I love you, you never deserved this.

One year, six months...

Found a song by Yellowcard called 'One Year, Six Months' (player at the bottom) and it got me thinking back on what has happened in the last year and a half. Let's see shall we...
Today is April 16, 2009. A year and a half ago was October 16, 2007.
Thing's that have changed since then...
-I am two years older than I was at that point.
-I became best friends with Kelly.
-I changed my major.
-I fell in love with the Jonas Brothers
-I dropped out of college and moved back home.
-I started working at Ross.
-I fell in love with Honor Society.
-I met the Jonas Brothers & saw them in concert.
-I joined AJF and found my second family.

But by far the most significant thing that has happened since then...
Finding out my dad has cancer. That was a shock I was never ready for. The scan was just precautionary. And I shouldn't have been alone when mom called me about the tumors. That is by far the worst phone call I've ever recieved in my life.You know that feeling where the pit of your stomach drops out? That's what it felt like. Along with wanting to throw up, scream, cry, and pass out... all at the same time.
I haven't really written about it before now. I don't like to talk about it. It's too depressing to even think about. But there it is, it's on my mind almost constantly. Something that's lurking and ready to pop out at any moment.
And it's not like I get upset about it really, or at least not upset in the way most people would expect. I'm pissed off. All the time. If I thought I had anger issues before, they've only gotten worse since Christmas.
Surprisingly for how much of a downer Christmas was this year, it was one of the best ones I remember.

And I know I say this quite a bit, but I honestly don't know where I would be without my friends right now.
Ash: You were pretty much the very first person I told, and that was cause I needed someone, and I knew you would be there. You've been so amazing through this whole thing and I couldn't ask for more <3 You're my twinnie, and you always know how to make me feel better.
Kelly: My bestie bestie. You're always there for a pick me up. And when I just need to get out of my house, I know there's somewhere I can always go. Thanks for welcoming me into your family when mine was turned upside down.
Cara: You always know how to put a smile on my face. We are so crazy together and I laugh at stupid stuff we do all the time. I can't wait to get to know you better.
AJF Ladies: Ohhhh my goodness. I have such a blast talking to all of you every day. We get into the craziest discussions, and I love every minute of it. Thank you for all the support and prayers you have given me over the last 4 months.

So there you go. I wrote about it. Now don't ask LOL.

Don't Forget

It's the days like these that I truly miss....
We were best friends.
But all of that has changed.
We used to be able to talk on the phone for hours.
I haven't talked to you in 3 months.
I still remember our doughnut runs and our late night cokes.
I remember being out in the cold watching our team lose, but still having a blast at football games.
Dinners, movies, families together.
Clemson, Mauldin, all sports were great.
I remember the time we went to watch the soccer game down at CU.
Gym class, 9th grade. Faking injuries, getting almost written up, and learning to play tonk.
School dances. Middle school and high school.
Boy issues, every single one of them, you were always there.
I miss you. I miss us.
You went to school, you changed. I went to school, I didn't.
It hurts to think about you, to think about what we've lost...
And I'm sorry we've lost it.
I'm sorry you've thrown me away.
Sorry that 8 years means nothing to you now.
Sorry that I'm the only one hurting over this.
Because you've moved on.
You've forgotten, about us...

Overrated...

Gavin DeGraw - "Overrated"

Take my home
Take everything I own
Take it, take control
You will feel better
You will feel whole
You're so good
You stopped me where I stood
And let me look at love and I feel better
Oh, I feel good
I just want to give it all to you
I want to share this with you
Make you mine and mine will be all yours
Whatever you want and more
What I'm anticipating
Everything else will be over-rated
Baby, it's for you, it's all for you
You speak kind
Oh, if you were mine
What would we be like?
We would be liked
We would be...
I just want to give it all to you
I want to share this with you
Make you mine and mine will be all yours
Whatever you want and more
What I'm anticipating
Everything else will be over-rated
Everything else will be over-rated
Open up
Let me fill your cup
I can really pour it out
It will be like...
I will be enough
I just want to give it all to you
I want to share this with you
Make you mine and mine will be all yours
Whatever you want and more
What I'm anticipating
Everything else will be over-rated
Baby, it's for you
Baby, it's for you
Baby, it's for you
Baby, it's for you, it's all for you

The Way Down...

You know that actions speak louder than words
I thought we were past that, forget what you heard
Pay no attention, better to shut out the lights
Than to find yourself at home all alone thinking

Problems won't disappear
When I look you in the eye something isn't right
Problems will interfere
And I don't think we'll surviveI've built it up so high

My teardrop waiting for the fall out
(This must be the way down)
And in one stop everything's a burn out
(This must be the way down)
Everything was bound to change
Never going to the same town
(This must be the way down)

Everything was perfect 'til the train went right off the rail
Like we were passed out asleep at the wheel
When you know you've lost it, there's no one in control
And you will find yourself too high, better try just letting it go

Problems won't disappear
When I look you in the eye something isn't right
Problems will interfere
And I don't think we'll survive
I've built it up so high

My teardrop waiting for the fall out
(This must be the way down)
And in one stop everything's a burn out
(This must be the way down)
Everything was bound to change
Never going to the same town
(This must be the way down)

And now that the smoke is gone
I can see that I'm all alone
Forever
I need you to come back home
And now that the smoke is gone
I can see that I'm all alone
Forever

My teardrop waiting for the fall out
(This must be the way down)
And in one stop everything's a burn out
(This must be the way down)
Everything was bound to change
Never going to the same town
(This must be the way down)