Two years ago...

It's hard to beleive that two years ago I was a recent high school graduate and in college for the first time.
Things have changed so much since then.
I miss my friends at school, but I don't miss how I was at school. I like to think I have become a better person since I left school. I've definitely grown up and taken more responsibility in my family.

I have so much to be thankful for in my life... Here are some awesome things that have happened in the last two years....

Good things!!!!
I left school and got to spend more time with my family.
I found a job that I sort of like and will be able to keep while I'm going back to college.
I became better friends with Kelly and met my other best friends on AJF.
I grew closer to my brothers.
I traveled to Florida and Texas with/to see my best friends.
MY NEPHEW WAS BORN.


Awesome things that are upcoming still...
My best friends being together all in the same place <3
Honor Society and Jonas Brother concerts.
Canada Trip with my family.
Buffalo Bills game in Charlotte with my family.
Tattoos with my locket sisters.
We The Kings, Boys Like Girls & Cobra Starship concerts

Ther is so much more that I can't even think of right now, but life is amazing, live it to the fullest!!!
There's a quote that I absolutely love that says 'today will be the best day of my life until tomorrow' and I try to live that.
I'm so thankful for everything God and my family have given me.
Thank you for allowing me to be me, and helping me become who I am.

Aunt Allison

Saturday August 8, 2009 is now the best day of my life to date.
My nephew Austin David Lippert was born at 7:52am. He weighed 9lbs3oz and was 21&1/2 inches long.
I got down to see him on Sunday, the next day, and he is absolutely gorgeous.
I'm going home tomorrow night, and not looking forward to leaving him.
He's a beautiful, healthy boy with a full head of hair, gorgeous eyes, and he smiled at us today.
I can't wait for the years to come.
I love you Austin.

Life as we know it...

Life as we know it... is about to change.
I haven't blogged in a while but I'm starting to make more of an effort to keep up with things in my life.
Like blogging, or discovering new things, spending time with my family, rekindling old friendships, keeping up with my nephew who will be born sometime in the next two weeks, eating healthier, getting back to my faith, and becoming a better person overall...
I started this blog to follow my journey to self discovery and transformation, so that's what it's going to be.

This is what we call chemo brain...

Dad is really starting to lose it. His head is so out of it sometimes.
Just now he woke up from about an hour and a half nap, and he was convinced it was quarter after five the next morning and wanted to know why I was awake.
He then proceeded to go into the kitchen and start making a pot of coffee.
As I finally figured out that he thought it was morning, I tried to convince him it was not and we got into an argument over it.
Eventually I explained it well enough to where he understood he had only been asleep for about two hours and not twelve.

It's really difficult for me to see him like this considering my grandfather had Parkinsons my entire life and some days his mind was super clear and other days he was hallucinating and didn't know where he was.
I understand that the chemo is supposed to be helping the cancer, but if I lose part of my daddy along the way, it's almost like losing him altogether.
And the thought of that kills me...

I Won't Look Back

Love, love isn’t always
Love, the way that we mean
Just like you are right now is all, all that I need

Let’s start over, don’t be afraid cause I won’t keep track
Let’s climb to the top
If you won’t look down, I won’t look back

Love, love isn’t always
Love, the kind that you hold
I will be here waiting if you, you can let go

Let’s start over, don’t be afraid ‘cause I won’t keep track
Let’s climb to the top
If you won’t look down, I won’t look back

Let’s start over, don’t be afraid ‘cause I won’t keep track
Let’s climb to the top
If you won’t look down, I won’t look back

BLG = <3

I want to scream, until no sound comes out and you've learned your lesson
I want to swallow these pills to get to sleep
So I don't have to make a bad impression
I need to start to be myself
Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me
I wanna take back all the shit that I have done
But I guess you were better off without me
I need to start to be myself
Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now, I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now, I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

(I took one big step and I looked away, and I thought of all the things that I wanted to say)
I won't let you bring me down
(I'm always too late, you never got your story straight, I'm always up late, I think I'm everything you hate)
It's here and now I'm breaking out
(I took one big step and I looked away, and I thought of all the things that I wanted to say)
I will learn to love again
(I'm always too late, you never got your story straight)
But I will stand a broken man

Most days I don't understand...

I really I hate that I come home and my mom yells at my like I am a 5 year old about how I don't do anything and I need to clean my house.
WHAT DOES SHE DO ALL DAY. Honestly. I REALLY wonder.
I would love to stay home all day and pretend to be useful while she goes out and does shit at my job.
I already put up with enough crap at my job that I don't need to come home and get bitched out too.
She really frustrates me.
Like she legit sits on the computer for hours and plays games, but then she tells me that I'm addicted to the computer and how I need to do other stuff.

I'm already losing my father, I don't need to have failing relationships with the rest of my family too.
At some points I feel like my dad is the only thing holding us all together still. Like it's like if he wasn't so sick, we'd all be split up.
This causes so much tension and we all get angry over stupid shit. And we yell and get fed up so fast.
This is doing NOTHING to help my temper. It's making it worse and I want it all to STOP.
JESUS CHRIST I WANT IT TO STOP. I want to go back to December. I want it to go away. I want my life back...
And if I could, I would take everything that's happening to him, and make it happen to me instead. I ask Jesus all the time why he's punishing my dad for my mistakes in life. My father does not deserve any of this. If anyone deserves this torture, it's me. Not daddy. Just... someone make this end. I can't stand it much longer.
I almost want him to die just so the suffering ends. I really won't blame you if you give up daddy. I love you, you never deserved this.